Defining “The One”: Frederick News Post Column Re-Post

I was at lunch with my friend Jill the other day, talking about the new man in her life. They have just begun dating and are still in those fun throws of  “getting to know you” dates. You know the ones – Where you still get the fluttery feelings in your stomach when you see the person, or you stumble into the great void of awkwardness because you just do when you are with them. These are the fun moments that are to be enjoyed and, well cherished, since you never really get them back.

Jill, however, has a lot of friends that are married or have been married, or maybe some that are just insane. Over her tuna melt she told me that it has been awful telling people that she is dating someone new because everyone wants to know if he is “The One”.

Being a 35 year old single gal, Jill understands that some of her friends think she is supposed to be in a different place at this point in her life, yet it seems her friends don’t understand that Jill is okay being in her skin, taking care of herself as she figures her life out on her own. Yet, the questions continue to come.

I know I have been in this situation myself. Sitting across the table from a friend that looks at you as you are telling them about a fun night at dinner with someone you are dating, and they look at you with big, wide eyes and whisper,” So… do you think he’s the one?” while smiling and pursing their lips in the ‘this will be our little secret’ manner. I want to say to them, “How can we think about this person being “The One” for the rest of our lives and still be in the moment?”

It is the single girl’s nightmare (at least the single girls I know) to have someone ask them this question. Does there really have to be “The One”? Can’t we just date someone and figure it out on our own? Why is there the need to label the situation to our friends right away, does it make them feel better or is it truly their concern for us?

You know those fun parts in the beginning that I mentioned, the ones I think should be held on to?  Well, those go away and the dust of new romance settles… Then the real stuff happens. That is when you get to see what you are dealing with, on both sides. How the other person hangs in there with you or if there is a true art of compromise in order to help both parties be happy. None of this “The One” crap.

This push for labeling almost makes me feel like we are losing what is our individuality when we find ourselves faced with the prospect of being in a relationship. My friend Christine brought this to my attention a few years ago when working on her vows for her wedding. She struck out a line about being united as one, because she felt that she and her husband were two individual people that would always stand together, not just as “one”. It made sense then and it makes sense now.

What is “The One” exactly? I have dated “The One That Drove Me Crazy By Singing Musical Numbers” and “The One Who Has ADD”. There was also “The One Who Likes To Put Others Down To Feel Better About Himself”.  I have decided that if you ask me from now on if I am dating “The One”, I guess I can say yes, because essentially, they all are.

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Vegas! (And a Hilton)

There is nothing like a bachelorette party to bring out the fun and freaky in all of us – Me included! I just got back from a trip to Vegas over the weekend where mutual friends that are getting married decided to do a bachelor/bachelorette party in the relaxing land of Las Vegas. Thank goodness I cam back soooo rested and not sick at all (listen close and hear that said with slight sarcasm!)

It’s nice to see friends so happy and to see everyone around to support a “merging of worlds” if you will – Or maybe we all just wanted to show up to get loaded and not act like our usual responsible selves. Who knows? All I know is that at 4 AM when I was told it was time to go back to the hotel from the club where we were staying, I was kind of disappointed.

I’ve been to some great clubs and had some great nights – ESPECIALLY in Vegas!! – But this one was different. First of all, I hardly drank (I used to have to make A LOT of apology calls when I left Vegas to friends because of how much “fun” I had). I was on such sensory overload all I could do was sip my juice concoction with a splash of vodka and watch all the people. Lights were flashing, confetti was flying, it was loud (Maybe this is what a seizure is like). My head was turning and twisting every which way to follow all the people flooding in and out of Tao (that’s where we were, at the Venetian – GO THERE!! You’ll love it).

I met a few people that night, too. I would just start talking to random folks, (all a part of my “need to flirt more” kick I’m on). The funny thing, at least to me, was that they all were from Maryland somehow. Seriously. One guy even jokingly guessed what high school I went to, and was right! Now I’m wondering if I have an accent?

Side note: Paris Hilton was there and friends of ours at the same pool where she was “hanging” (AKA – getting paid to make an appearance) were floored that she was out with friends, loading up Super Soaker Water Guns to squirt each other. Best part? They were filled with Cristal Champagne. Feel a little like, ill? Yeah, me too….and I live in LA. You think I’d be used to hearing about this kind of weirdness, but that really made me shake my head.

All in all, the weekend was amazing! Our Bride-To-Be had the time of her life and all of us in tow had fun while we made sure she had a good time. Shots were tossed back, drinks DID flow and there were a lot of fun little stories that happened. But, what happens in Vegas…

Red Wine – Truth Serum!!

Ya know what I like about red wine? That it is like a truth serum for us girls. Seriously – Get a few glasses in almost anyone and then just sit back and wait…. for… it….you won’t be disappointed.

I was with a group having dinner and one of the members of our party brought up the familiar topic of red flags. This got us all to talking about the ones we had seen coming or the ones we look back on and realize that they were there, but MAN did we choose to ignore them!

Ok, I’m going to share a few here – No offense to anyone I have dated that thinks they may fall into any of these categories we mentioned (And it’s not always about YOU, so shut it!).

  1. The one that says they’ve never had their heart broken. This one is a sleeper. Apparently they drop this one on ya after they gotcha hook, line and sinker. Another favorite was the one that has never been broken up. Hmmmm….makes one wonder.
  2. The  one that tries to hard – You say “I love Duran Duran” and they show up in a concert t-shirt from The Rio Tour. You say “I think daisy’s are pretty” and 20 dozen show up at your door. Now, I know this sounds crappy, but if you get this, added with a little more clingyness and a pinch of desparation and we get icked out. And not we like just us gals, like WE as a people. Desparate ain’t cute on none of us!
  3. “I love you but I just can’t do this” was a popular one for the female and the males I talked to.  There is usually never any reason with this excuse just their own fear or a case of schizophrenia kicking in. General consensus says this has been a blessing for all the folks there that were hurt at some point. The ones that hurt the most are the ones they are most grateful for, because they learned more about themselves.
  4. Another favorite is the Drama King. They are unexpected because they show up in the most mild mannered laid back (or so they seem) folks. A clear cut case of “don’t judge the book by it’s cover”. No matter what the situation, the feelings, etc. always take your damn time. People always reveal themselves from the very beginning  of any relationship– Just be open to the signs and above all, trust your gut.

It was a funny conversation, and one that makes me wonder if anyone else has any they’d like to share? Tell ya what, send me your red flag story and let me see which one I like best and I’ll use it in my next column! All submissions are due by Wednesday April 7th – Send them in to anneinprogress@me.com.

Can’t wait to see them!!

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